Timber Kai's Story

Background: Back in April we started planning a trip to Kauai with our best friends, Dung and Jared. We had many things to celebrate.

1. Dung and I had always said we would go to Kauai together to celebrate our 30th birthdays in November. When I found I was pregnant and due in October, we knew we needed to move the trip up.

2. Jared decided he wanted to ask Dung to marry him on this trip unbeknownst to Dung.

3. Our babymoon to celebrate the coming of our sweet baby girl.

This photo was taken just a few hours before I was admitted into the hospital.

Friday, May 28: We arrived to the beautiful island of Kauai. We spent the first few days exploring, doing short hikes, beaching, and eating. Everything was going amazing. The week before, I had my 20 week anatomy ultrasound where they told us our baby was perfect. Other than the typical nausea, headaches, and exhaustion, I was having an excellent pregnancy. We were excited beyond words to finally be the parents that we dreamt of being for the last 10 years.

On May 30th, we came across her middle name on our morning walk.

Photo from our short morning hike on May 30th.

Sunday, May 30: I woke up in the morning and went on a short hike with Dung to distract her while the boys went to scope out the spot that Jared would be proposing later that evening. When we returned from the hike, I noticed that it appeared I lost part of my mucus plug. I had no cramping and just figured it was some fluke. I called my Colorado midwife (who was doing my prenatal appointments) and she said it happens all the time and our body regenerates the plug, so I need not to worry. I called my mom who is also a midwife and was going to do my delivery. She seemed much more concerned. Since I was in Kauai and we had such big plans for the day, I decided to monitor and see if anything changed. We carried on with a busy day on the island and I felt no changes. That evening we packed a picnic to go to Hanalei Beach where we were going to watch the sunset and at the perfect time I was going to photograph Jared asking Dung to spend the rest of his life with her. Everything went perfectly as planned and she said yes. We dropped them off to enjoy a private dinner alone. Justin and I went back to the Airbnb to decorate and anxiously await their return so we could celebrate. When we returned, I noticed blood and was leaking fluid. Panicked, I called my mom and she instructed us to drive to the hospital immediately. We got in the car and started the hour drive to Wilcox Medical Center in Kauai. During that drive I was having contractions every 5 minutes. When we made it to the hospital, they immediately admitted me to the labor and delivery unit. Once there, they started IV fluids and drew labs on me. The physician on call, Dr. Kuo, came in and wanted to look at me with a speculum. I was shaking uncontrollably and terrified. She was rough with me and frustrated that I was too tense for her to insert a speculum. Once she was able to get it in, she gave us the completely shocking news that I was 5-6 cm dilated. I was in complete denial. NEVER in a million years did I actually think I was in labor. I knew something was happening but I was certain they would be able to stop whatever it was. She then checked me with her fingers and told me that I was fully effaced and even further dilated. She also said she could see the baby's bottom coming out. She told us because the baby was only 20 weeks and 5 days that she would live for a few seconds and then die in our arms. I can't explain what happened in that moment. Justin and I were screaming and crying. I have never felt so gutted in my life. We called our moms and everyone started praying for us. We laid there in the hospital bed next to each other and cried and cried until we fell asleep in each others arms. I had contractions all night. They were painful and frequent. I squeezed my legs together and stiffened my back to try to stop them.

Ephesians 5:25 "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her."

Monday, May 31: The morning came and I still hadn't delivered. I was bleeding and leaking fluid still. Justin and I decided that I was going to lay as still as possible and try not to induce anything. The doctor working this day was Dr. Antalan. He came in and told us that it was just a matter of time until she comes. He asked if I wanted to be checked and I declined. I didn't want to do anything to disturb her. He was kind and okay with this. He left us alone for the rest of the day. That day I laid in Trendelenburg position nonstop. I didn't get out of bed for any reason. Justin assisted my every need and helped me to try to be as comfortable as possible despite fighting my body's contractions and the excruciating headaches that came along with laying in a position where my feet are higher than my head. Going into the evening my contractions were constant. I was still leaking amniotic fluid and bleeding. The medical providers were getting anxious that I was not delivering. They stated that since my cervix was completely dilated and I was leaking amniotic fluid, it was putting myself at risk for infection everyday. They made it mandatory that I have my vitals checked every two hours. That night I tried to rest but my body, mind, and heart were in such turmoil.

I'll never forget these moments. He cared for me and fed me with such love and strength when I know he was so broken inside.

Tuesday, June 1: I made it through another night without delivering. Our physician changed to Dr. Mathis. He was our best doctor yet. He came in and asked if I wanted to be checked and I said no. He then gave us the option of an ultrasound to see if it could be diagnostic. Up until this point we had been checking baby's heartbeat with monitors and it was steady. Hearing the gallop of her heart made us cry tears of joy every time. During the ultrasound we were able to see that baby was breech. Her heartbeat was strong. She was still in her amniotic sac and it still had fluid in it. He determined that I had a high leak somewhere in my amniotic sac. It has been shown to repair itself so I was not terribly worried about this. He continued to scan, and then noticed that my cervix was still completely dilated and both of our sweet baby's legs had passed through the cervix and were kicking in my birth canal. That moment was as horrific as the first night I was admitted. We cried so hard. We were convinced that God was going to keep her in my womb and that He was going to close my cervix. We now were seeing that He hadn't closed my cervix and she was making her way out despite my every effort to keep her inside me. Dr. Mathis told us there was nothing that could be done and that we would be delivering soon. For the first time in three days we got me out of bed. I went to the bathroom and sat in there and cried and cried until I couldn't breathe. We told our parents the news and asked them to pray. The nursing staff then began to describe to us what we could expect when she came. They told us she would have translucent skin that was too delicate for us to touch. They told us her hands and feet would be webbed. They told us her lungs would be so underdeveloped that she wouldn't be able to breathe or cry and that if she came out alive it would just be for a few minutes until she passed. We took pictures together of my pregnant belly. We played worship music. We read scripture aloud and asked God to be so present that it seemed tangible to Justin and me. After an hour and nothing progressing the physician asked if we would like him to induce labor by breaking my amniotic sac or giving me Pitocin. I was so overwhelmed and saddened I just needed a break. I laid back down in bed and cried and prayed. Justin left the room to go walk around outside and pray. I asked God to speak to my husband so he could guide me on what to do because I felt I had no more strength. When I woke up from resting Justin told me that as long as our baby had a heartbeat we have to fight. We couldn't just speed this process along. Even though three physicians had told us she had no chance of survival, we had to believe God could still work a miracle. My mom called a maternal fetal specialist while I was sleeping and he told her that he had seen babies in this position before. He said they're so tiny that they can hang out like this for extended periods of time. He said it's highly unlikely that she will be there longer than a week, but that he's not concerned with her position right now. It was encouraging to hear that. However, it was discouraging because we knew she needed to be in this position much longer than a week to survive. He also said that being on strict bed rest, in Trendelenburg, was probably only helpful when the baby is heavy and gravity could work with me. Since she was so tiny, it would be okay for me to get up. This was a huge relief because even after just three days of bed rest I was already getting so weak and my body was aching. I showered for the first time. We laid in bed and asked God to give us a miracle.

The nurse suggested we take some photos before the coming of our daughter.

Up until this point, no one had known her name. I wanted the world to know her name so that everyone could pray and petition to God Almighty for her by name. We picked out her first name many years ago, before we were ever even married. We chose her middle name just a week before traveling. Timber means strong. Kai has many meanings, but the biblical meaning is to rejoice. Kai also has Hawaiian origin. Little did we know when we chose this name that our sweet baby would have a Hawaiian birth certificate someday.

The afternoon before I was admitted into the hospital.

Wednesday, June 2: Of note, Wilcox Medical Center in Kauai is small and does not have a NICU. If baby is born here, there are no resources to save her life. We asked Dr. Mathis if by some chance she could stay in me, when is the soonest they could fly me to Oahu where they have a NICU that can do neonatal resuscitation. He told me he thought it would be 23 weeks. This was so discouraging as I had just turned 21 weeks. He said he would call them to see what they said. Dr. Mathis was the first doctor that was actually advocating for us. He was fighting for us. When I woke up on June 2nd, I had a lot of contractions and more bleeding. Dr. Mathis came by around 10:00am and wanted to do a repeat ultrasound. We were looking around and I saw my sweet baby girl had pulled one of her legs up out of my birth canal and back into my uterus. This gave me hope that she could pull her other leg up too and bring my amniotic sac up with it. Even though I had been leaking amniotic fluid for days, my amniotic sac was still in place. I was drinking so much water to try to replenish the fluid I was losing. Dr. Mathis came back later that afternoon and told us that he had called Oahu and they told him that they would take me as a patient at 22 weeks. This was one week earlier than we had thought. Such a relief. We went to bed that night and again all night I had contractions and was leaking through the night. That evening we were winding down and talking to my mother-in-law on the phone. Out of nowhere I felt my finger on my belly jump in the air. I had just felt my baby's first kicks. This moment was filled with indescribable happiness as I had just been crying that morning out of sadness that I may never experience what it felt like to feel her kick or have a big belly. God was answering our prayers. I knew it. Justin came over and we felt them together and cried and laughed. We call her our fighter because at my 20 week anatomy scan we got a picture of her with both of her fists up by her face looking like she was boxing. I had brought pictures of my 20 week scan to Kauai so I could give some copies to Aunty Dung. When Dung was packing our bags to bring them up to the hospital for us, she had found the photos and framed the fighting photo for us. I looked at this picture over 100x a day. As long as she was fighting for her life, I would fight for hers. That evening Dr. Antalan asked if we wanted to do another ultrasound. Since I had felt her kick, I declined. The scans bring about so much anxiety and sometimes I just wanted to have a good moment of happiness and trust in our Almighty God that He is working things together for His good and ours. We went to bed that night and again, I had contractions and was leaking all through the night. The devil seemed to attack me most at night. He brought fear and discontentment to me.

Our fighter.

Thursday, June 3: I made it through another night. Dr. Kuo was back on for the day. In true Dr. Kuo fashion she woke me up at 5:00am with needles being put in my arm to check my blood for any infection. My lab work came back great. The only abnormality was a drop in my hemoglobin and hematocrit. My labs were drawn at my 16 week prenatal appointment and my hemoglobin and hematocrit at that time were within normal range so we are not sure why it dropped so much. I was bleeding for a few days but it didn't seem to fully correlate with the drop. I laid in bed all morning listening to worship music and praying. Justin came and cuddled next to me and baby girl kicked all morning. All day I felt great. I didn't have any contractions, which made me want to cry for joy. Dr. Kuo came in later in the day and said, "Woah, I'm surprised to still see you guys here." She's extremely insensitive and definitely thought my baby had zero chance of life. What she doesn't know is that my God is so much bigger than her medical degree. She asked if she could come back to do an ultrasound for us and said, "After I go take care of a D&C". A physician with empathy or compassion would have said, "After I go take care of a surgery". I declined her ultrasound offer. I respect her but do not want her in our room or with her hands on my body. She doesn't know Jesus and has no respect for our desire to fight for our baby's life. She doesn't respect us fighting if it means we could lose everything. All day I worked on drinking water and hoped a local midwife would bring me nutritional supplements so I could give my baby the best nutrition possible with everyday that she is in me. Dr. Mathis was doing clinic this day and stopped by to say hi. He was so kind. He said if I make it to the weekend he will start talking with the NICU in Oahu at Kapiolani more about our transfer. He did spend considerable time talking to us about the likelihood of survival if she is to make it to 22 weeks. He said chances of survival at 22 weeks is 0-3%. That number means nothing to us because her chance of survival a few days ago was 0%. God doesn't work with statistics. Each weekend there is a physician on call for Friday-Sunday. The physician on call this weekend was Dr. Mathis. Praise God.

I knew that our baby was a miracle already. Everyone thought she was going to die the first day I was here. Here we were, on day 4/5, and she was still here. I knew everyone's prayers were working. Hallelujah. Jehovah Rapha, or Yaweh Rapha means "the Lord who heals". Jehovah Rapha was healing me. He was giving Timber Kai a chance to live and follow Jesus.

Prayers we were praying on this day:

• the hole in my amniotic sac would seal shut

• the amniotic sac would fully return to my uterus and my cervix would close

• God would keep her alive and well within me

• at 22 weeks I would be flown to Oahu

• that she can stay in me as long as possible

• that she grows and grows for as long as she can to be strong enough to survive outside the womb

As I was getting ready to go to sleep this evening, my liquid and bleeding started to increase dramatically. Panicked, I called the nurse in to do heart tones. She came in and looked for 5 minutes and couldn't find them. I couldn't stand her looking anymore. I wanted to take the doppler out of her hands and search myself. We were so scared but were almost certain we could feel her moving. We were crying out to God and praying. I asked her to call the physician. Dr. Mathis came in and did an ultrasound. Immediately he found her heartbeat. What he showed us next was another absolutely gutting moment. Both her tiny legs and part of her cord were now in my birth canal. She had continued to move further down. I was so scared and cried and cried. Was this why I was bleeding and leaking more fluid? Was it because labor was progressing even though I had had no contractions or pain? I sat in bed and cried and cried. I told Justin I was so emotionally weak. My heart was broken. I am trying with everything in me to get to Tuesday but every day is getting harder. Justin held me and prayed over me. We called mom who prayed with us. She suggested we try spinning babies techniques. So we got out of bed and spent some time with my head on the ground and rear end in the air hoping it would cause her to fall into the upper part of my womb and out of my birth canal.

My blood pressure was averaging around 90/50 so being in this type of inverted position causes my head to throb in pain. I try to do it for as many minutes as I can stand before going back to strict bed rest. I was still lying in Trendelenburg position again with hopes that it would do something. We prayed and prayed that nothing would happen in the night. Dr. Kuo was on call and she was the last person I wanted delivering my baby. She would want me to have my legs in stirrups and not allow me to move around and have the beautiful birth I have so desperately wanted to have since discovering I was pregnant.

In the night, I woke up and could feel my bed sheets were wet. I know I was leaking more amniotic fluid. I cried and Justin held me. I asked him if he was at peace with Jesus if Timber was to come. He said he was but that he knows she isn't coming now and that we would make it to Oahu. Justin knew the devil was targeting me at night. He knew he was filling me full of fear and doubt. Justin was praying for me and loving me during these darkest hours. I don't know how Jesus gave me the most incredible, God fearing, loving, handsome husband. Jesus is my rock, but so is Justin. I knew the Spirit was moving through him and giving me tangible strength to get through this. We prayed we could make it to the morning, and we did.

Feeling her dance away in my belly.

Friday, June 4: We woke up praising God for giving us another day. We called my Grandma Diana and she prayed over us. On this day we prayed that my leaking would slow down, that these inversions would work, that the blood in my body would replenish, and that she would stay put in me and not move any further down. Timber Kai is meant to come to this world and live her life for Jesus, we pleaded that God allow her to grow big and strong.

On this day, the chaplain's wife came by with her ukulele. Justin and I laid in bed for two hours and prayed as she played worship music and sang to us. The whole time we had our hands on my belly and felt our sweet girl kicking around. It was one of the best moments we had in the hospital yet. I had no contractions this whole day and my amniotic fluid significantly decreased in leaking. Also, I stopped bleeding entirely. Jesus has stopped my bleeding! He has stopped my contractions! And He has decreased the amniotic fluid leaking! Hallelujah! Three answered prayer requests!

Justin worked on our business. He placed a temporary close on our websites and google. He canceled all future appointments and sent out a mass email to all his customers explaining our situation. The physicians told us that if Timber was to survive we can expect to be in the NICU on Oahu for 6 months. We knew that meant that Justin's business would be closed that entire time.

Matthew 6:24 says "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." Today God Says, "Leave everything and follow me."

That is what we were going to do, with peace that passes all understanding because we knew Jehovah Jireh, the God who provides, had us in His hands. The outpouring from people in Salida was so beautiful. They were so kind with their stories of hardships they have undergone and they offered to lift our family up in prayer.

As we were getting ready for dinner we realized Justin was looking skinny from not having ate much since I was admitted. They didn't have food delivery here and he was too scared to walk far to get food in case I needed him while he was gone. We were thinking of options and then God answered another prayer. The nurse came in with my dinner tray and said, "We forgot to cancel dinner for some patients who have left. Would you like a dinner tray, Justin?" Jehovah Jireh. The God who provides. We thanked God over and over and even laughed because the tray they brought in for him had a strawberry milkshake on it. This is his favorite food and we didn't even know the hospital had those there. Dr. Mathis came in while we were eating and was pleased with how I was feeling. He told me he talked to Oahu and on Monday they want to have a telemedicine appointment with me and a maternal fetal specialist as well as a neonatologist. I knew this appointment was going to be hard. They were going to tell me statistics. But again, Timber wasn't supposed to survive the first night and here we are on day 5/6 and she's still fighting! We have faith! We are going to get to Oahu!

Dr. Mathis then asked if we wanted to do an ultrasound, which we decline. Emotionally they were too taxing. We knew God was working. We just have to believe. So instead we opted for the doppler and he found her heartbeat at 150bpm immediately! Thank you Jesus. It was our favorite sound. As we got ready for bed I could hear Justin laying in his bed listening to "Good, Good Father" through his headphones as loud as they could play. I knew he was as scared as I am, but the strength Justin was showing me was profound. We went to sleep and the devil tried to scare me again at night like he has been doing. I prayed and sang the song "Champion" by Maverick City Music and proclaimed "When I open up my mouth, MIRACLES start breaking out, I have the AUTHORITY Jesus has given me." Tonight we prayed that she ascends into the top of my uterus, that my cervix closes, and that we make it another day. Jehovah Rapha, heal me.

Singing worship.

God always provides. Even if it's in the form of a strawberry milkshake and a quiet moment to have a meal as a couple.

Saturday, June 5: Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10; "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble."

I can't explain how thankful I am for my husband. He has been caring for me with more attentiveness than even the nurses here. Every action he has done with so much love and compassion.

This was a relatively uneventful day. Justin ran to the store to get me Green Superfood powder so I can put real nutrients into my body. I watched the Prince of Egypt which was the first movie/tv I have watched since being admitted. I wanted to be reminded of God's promise to His people. I wanted to be reminded that no matter how long I lie here suffering He has not forgotten me and He will rescue me. We had a beautiful lei brought to to me that made our whole room smell so good. We went to bed this evening and were thankful for an uneventful day.

Lei's given to pregnant women are not connected in a circular fashion and instead are open like this one. It's due to superstition that connected leis could mean the cord would be wrapped around the baby's neck.

I stared at this board all day. "Kapiolani Women's and Children's" my goal destination. Aloha Aubrey & Justin & Timber Kai. Note from daddy, "Timber you are daddy's hero!" Note from Aunty Dung "We love you Timber." And bible verses; "When the righteous cry out for help the LORD hears and rescues them from their distress and trouble" Psalm 34:17. "For this child I have prayed and the LORD has grated the desires of my heart!" Samuel 1:27. "Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day." Psalm 91:5. As well as a line from the song I listened to countless times a day, "When I open up my mouth miracles start breaking out, I have the authority Jesus has given me!"

Sunday, June 6: Psalm 91:14-16 "The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. when they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation."

I woke up this morning and felt like I was getting an infection. Labs were drawn and the blood work came back normal but the physician agreed it is still infection suspicious. There was change in color/odor of the amniotic fluid leaking, slight temperature increase and heart rate increase in my vitals. They did another ultrasound and found that I have now lost almost all of my amniotic fluid. I didn't understand how this was possible when I was lying so still and drinking so much water. We all knew this was bad. They have started me on IV antibiotics and IV fluids. I was drinking 1-2 gallons of water everyday with Himalayan salt. I was talking to a mama who had her water break at 16 weeks and she was able to keep her son in for many weeks after and today has a healthy 7 year old.

At 4:00pm, I started noticing bright red blood return and my lower back felt like it was breaking. I figured maybe it was because I had been lying in bed for 8 days. We laid in bed together and Justin tried to relieve my pain by pressing a heating pad into my low back with force. Things only progressed. By 8:00pm, I was again in full blown labor. I was having a contraction lasting 60-75 seconds every 3 minutes. The pain was so intense and I just deep moaned through each one. I didn't want to tell anyone because I wanted to have this intimate time with Justin as he continued to press the heating pad into my back. Since we didn't want the nurses to know, Justin would assist me with the bed pan when I had to empty my bladder. He did everything with such compassion and kindness.

After a few hours the nurse came in and we decided to tell her what was going on since my bleeding was significantly increasing. We confessed that for the last few hours I was having very strong, consistent contractions and showed her the blood I was losing. We were almost positive we would be delivering our daughter so we requested to have our favorite nurse, Dianna, so she could help me through the delivery. They offered me IV fentanyl and I denied. I wanted to feel this. All of this. I wanted to feel every pain. I am meant to feel this. I am her mother.

They started me on more IV fluids and I asked to also be started on tocolytics. I knew they only work for 24 hours but all I needed was 24 hours for me to get to 22 weeks and I would be able to be transferred to Oahu. Dr. Mathis said starting tocolytics was not standard of care in my situation so instead he wanted to start with the IV fluids and see how that goes. I continued to labor for hours. Justin sat right by me and did anything he could so I could try to fall sleep and hopefully stop this. We had our phones put away and were focusing our full attention on God and praying. At one point I reached for my phone to move it and saw a message had come in from one of my friends. I decided to read it. It was 2:30am back in Denver but God had given my sweet friend a verse she felt compelled to share with us at that time. It was Exodus 14:13. "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." Justin and I cried and laid in bed and with every fiber in my body I did the most unnatural thing. I fought my body from laboring. I didn't move. I said that verse over and over. I finally fell asleep. I woke up 2-3 times in the night to empty my bladder in the pan and would return to sleep. Justin sat in the chair next to my bed and when I woke up each time he was still there, praying to God. He never grew weary, he never fell asleep. He continued to pray throughout the whole night when he knew I needed rest. What a disciple of Christ.

The contractions slowed immensely and essentially came to a halt. It's hard to know if they would start up again if I moved so I just stayed laying as straight as a pencil. It is a MIRACLE I did not deliver her. I was convinced I was going to meet our sweet Timber in the night. Yahweh brought me through.

"Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalms 126:5

Monday, June 7: I felt so uneasy as I lied in bed. I prayed over and over that this labor would fully stop. I prayed the bleeding would stop. Dr. Mathis ordered a repeat ultrasound. It showed that Timber had moved further down my birth canal. Half of her head was in my uterus and the other half was in my cervix. Her entire body, arms and legs were in my birth canal. Dr. Mathis broke the news to us that even though tomorrow I hit 22 weeks, it is unlikely that anyone will agree to fly me with her in this position.

A few hours later I had an appointment with a maternal fetospecialist at Kapiolani in Oahu. She told me that they were denying my transfer. The time it would take to transport me takes 3-4 hours and I am not stable enough. If I was to hemorrhage on the plane there are no means of helping or saving me. Justin and I were gutted once again. We have prayed so hard to get to Oahu. Now we know that we can't.

Photos taken just two weeks earlier when we had gone to Wichita for our 20 week anatomy scan and found out we were having a baby girl.

Tuesday, June 8: A repeat ultrasound was done this morning. She had not moved. She was still alive with a heartbeat of 140bmp. We spoke to a neonatologist who said there was a chance they could send a resuscitation team from Oahu to Kauai if baby was delivered and stable for a certain period of time. To get from Oahu to Kauai would take 2-3 hours. She would have to survive that whole time, and then survive the flight back to Oahu. Her chances of living at this age regardless are extremely minimal. They were saying 0-3%. She said they have never had success with this before with a baby at only 22 weeks. She also said that Justin would get to go with Timber to Oahu and I would have to stay behind. I wouldn't get skin to skin. I wouldn't get to hold her. I wouldn't get to admire her features. It was a lot to consider. It can be extremely traumatic and painful for the baby. If she was to survive she could have lifelong health issues. I requested the doctor start me on betamethasone and magnesium. My mom would be arriving in Kauai this day. We were looking forward to more support. Psalm 34:17: "When the righteous cry for help the Lord hears and rescues then from their distress ad trouble."

I didn't know what to tell people to pray for. I just prayed that the Lord be with me. I promised to do all I can to keep her alive in me. I prayed if she survived she could have a real quality life. I prayed I would not force anything that shouldn't be done. Please Jesus guide us.

I noticed I have started to have some uncomfortable pressure when emptying my bladder that morning. I was convinced I was getting a UTI. I called the physician and asked him if I cold collect a specimen to be tested so I could continue this battle without having to stop due to infection. They agreed. Justin and I were sitting there trying to relax when the pressure began to become unbearable. I called my mom and she was boarding her plane in San Francisco to fly to Kauai. At this point I knew something more than just a UTI was happening. I could feel so much movement within my birth canal. I felt like I could feel her coming out. Justin checked me and immediately called the nurses and physician in. I was having no contractions, just an intense amount of pressure. Dr. Mathis examined me and told me he could see the cord coming out. He then got me in position to deliver. At this moment I was in complete surrender. I had done everything in my power to keep my sweet girl safe inside me for as many days as I could. Here we were and the inevitable was happening. I had fought labor for so many days. This birth was not like a typical birth. My uterus was not contracting to help me push the baby out. I just had to "purple push."

At 2:45pm our sweet baby was born and placed on my chest. She was alive and beautiful. Justin and I had no words but just an immense number of tears falling from our eyes. She was finally here. Everything they told me about her was wrong. They had told me her skin would be translucent and too delicate to touch. They told me her fingers would be webbed. They told me her breathing would be taxing and laborious. They said she would only last a few minutes before passing away. They said she wouldn't look like a typical baby we would assume. They were so wrong.

Timber Kai came out looking like absolute perfection. She had the most beautiful nose, hands, and feet. Her fingers and toes had the tiniest cutest little nails. Her eyebrows and eyelashes were long. Her ears were so cute I couldn't stand it. She was just perfect. For that first hour of her life we just stared at her and marveled how God could have made something so perfect, that was half me and half Justin. How could two broken people make such a pure, beautiful baby like her. During that first hour she cried, yawned, and cooed. She was again proving everyone wrong. They had told us her lungs were too underdeveloped and we would never hear her cry. Her cry was the sweetest, most beautiful cry I had ever heard. We had decided not to cut my cord. I wanted her connected to me as long as possible. After one hour and baby doing so well we talked and wondered if she truly was a miracle baby and if we needed to have her transported to Oahu because she was meant to survive. We called in the nurses and told them we wanted to cut her cord and have her taken to the nursery to have resuscitation measures taken so we could consider transport. This decision was excruciating because it meant that Justin and Timber would be leaving me and going to the nursery. I couldn't go since I had still not delivered my placenta. At 3:53pm Justin and Timber left and called me on Facetime so I could see everything happening. They first got her body wrapped in warming clothes to regulate her body temperature. Next they tried to get oxygen on her. The nose cannulas and masks were all too big. The physicians at the NICU from Kapiolani were on Facetime instructing the staff as to what could be done. They were talking to Justin and I telling us that the odds of survival were so minimal and that comfort care was recommended above all. Timber was anxious and crying and Justin knew it was just all too much for her tiny body. After approximately 30-45 minutes of them being away, Justin and I decided that she needed to come back to me and we needed to just enjoy our sweet baby. At 4:34 my precious hunny was brought back to me. She laid on my chest and immediately her crying stopped and her breathing slowed down. She was exactly where she wanted to be. On her mama. Timber would grab the tip of our fingers with her whole hand and hold on to us. She loved Justin and I so much. At 5:00pm we decided to take her off my chest and give her daddy the opportunity to have skin to skin with his daughter. She laid on Justin's chest grabbing him so tightly. She knew his voice. She knew he was her dad. I will never forget those moments. At 6:10pm we were still just watching her every move and while laying on her daddy she found her thumb and I cried while I watched my sweet, tiny, 22 week old miracle suck her thumb. Something I had wondered my whole pregnancy if she would do. I knew Jesus was giving me these moments so I could remember them for the rest of my life.

Psalm 139:13-16 "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

We wanted to share this precious gift with our moms. We called Justin's mom on Facetime and she was able to see her granddaughter and talk to her. She said those moments she got to see her were the most pure, sacred, innocent, and loving time she had ever have. She said she would cherish these moments forever. She also said what a blessing this baby already has been to our family. I truly believe that. I believe that before Timber was even born she was making a difference in this world. She was causing people to look at their own relationships with Jesus. She was causing the physicians and nurses to rethink what the meaning of life was. She was teaching her mommy and daddy the meaning of complete surrenderance.

At 8:45pm my mom's flight landed in Kauai. She Facetimed us immediately when she had service. Timber was still alive, but her breathing was slowing considerably. She wasn't in pain. She wasn't labored. She was just slowing down. We introduced her to her Gigi. At 8:50pm she took her last breath while being held by her daddy and while we were still on the phone with my mom. I feel that she held on for as long as she could so my mom could have that moment to see her before she went to be with Jesus.

The moments after she passed were heartbreaking. I wanted her back so badly. I just wanted to hear her cry once more, but I know that we were beyond blessed to have the 6 hours we had with her. We then got handprints and footprints of her. We measured her and weighed her. She was 11 3/4 inches and weighed 373 grams.

That night we got to keep her in a cooling bed in our room. I slept with my hand on Justin and constantly reached over to put my hand on her tiny body. That next morning they came in to take her to do the necessary things so we could take her home to bury her. These words don't even feel real as I type them. I miss her more than I'll ever be able to say. I can't believe my baby is an angel. I will forever be changed by the 22 weeks that I carried her and those 11 days in the hospital. I pray all of you are too.